Letting it out.

I have no clue.

That is what I am going to start with.

When I go to my mom, hoping for some sort of connection between us, hoping that she would finally talk to me, I get no response. Basically she tells me to do whatever i was planning to alone and one of my friends wont stop talking about how amazing it is for herself and her dad. I love her. She is a nice friend. But it hurts to realize that i wont have the same stuff. Because? My parents just aren’t like that. They are not sharers. Neither am I. When it comes to others. But when it starts building up. I need someone who would honestly listen to me. Criticize me. Hate me for the things that I have done wrong and love me knowing that I am capable of change. Just the thing is, it definitely won’t be my parents who do this.

Have you noticed this? I am sure you have. You are the hero of your own world. The same goes for the others. This is what i keep in my mind when my friend ( like what she is doing right now on text ) would go on and on about how she wants things and if i like that or not. She is important to herself and I don’t think that is called being selfish. She is just involved in herself. I also want to talk to others like this. But somehow they manage to rule out as selfishness. I decide I wont care about what others say. I try and I almost do it till some extent. But the most close friend can say more hurtful words than the most distant enemies who also on their part don’t really care to hate me much. So no whining on my part? That’s what has been asked of me most recently and I am not sure if I was right or not, but I think that person himself whines a lot.

I fight a lot with my boyfriend. Mostly recently. We have been doing that a lot. I feel sad at times. Because I think I get picked on for things he does all the time and if i point them out I am being unreasonable but If he does them then it turns out into a pretty bad fight and in the last one even he stopped talking to me. That was scary to be honest and right now I added a filter in my mind. I am not hiding stuff from him ofcourse. And i still think that i would from time to time tell him how i feel, if i feel suffocated and bad. Because if I dont, then its the end basically. And i love him too much for that.

Fatness. This is a huge problem. Mind you. I am not terribly fat or anything. I am fat, but way less chubby than most of the people who call or are called fat and yes I am aware that I have way less hard on me than them and many of them dont even complain. I love you guys and I feel proud looking that you are happy with your bodies. But I am sorry, and i am not going to lie because I am not. I am not happy with it. I am not proud of it. And just thinking that other’s have it hard does not make it any less hard on me. So yeah. Sorry for being selfish, but i decided I will be completely honest. People pass it around as a joke. ‘She has got muscles and such a man’. This shit hurts guys. I can smile it off. But it hurts. I am fat because I like eating and I cannot seem to stop. My body, I think gets fat easily and hence its just difficult with me. To be honest I dont care what the people whom I dont know think. But when your own family and friends are after your life it starts to bother you. My family is still worried. Because we are the history of heart diseases basically, so I have 60% chance that I’ll have it by the age of 30. Doesnt sound fun does it? But. Taunting me wont work either. Infact, it only makes me hateful of myself, more and more.

I don’t know guys, i just wanted to tell all this to someone. You might have or might not have read it. But even writing this down in a manner helped. I am happy to know even I can tell someone, or have told someone. And by any chance if you did read it.

Thank you.

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